#but my doctor said im actually depressed and have anxiety so like

[reviiely]

Intro Post!!

Hi, y'all can call me Viie or Rev or any derivatives you can find with all my users since I love nicknames.

I'm a writer for Haikyuu primarily as of right now, but I do write for Marvel (specifically Agents of SHIELD), and since I'm slowly getting into Yuri On Ice maybe that in the future as well. Any requests for little ficlets for AOS or Haikyuu are appreciated and I'll try to fulfill any of those if they come! And even if I don't write for a fandom or pairing I can be bribed/convinced with friendship or snacks. Here's my ao3.

I also draw things sometimes but rarely ever fanart, mostly because I'm not that good at it and prefer writing anyway.

I have two side blogs right now: @aishi-t and @cuttycrumbing. The aishi blog is for my haikyuu stuff and CC is my random reblog/writing update/life updates blog. I'm a lot weirder on that one but disregard that.

Don't really have featured tags but for my sunglasses, leather jackets, and laptops universe, I'll have a 'sunglasses' tag for those. In terms of my new wip, demi et demi, that also has its own tag! Other than that my tagging system is pretty trash.

I'm always happy and open to chat with anyone! And I lowkey kinda miss my sunglasses anons, where'd y'all go- If you wanna be friends with me, hmu here or in my comments section. PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT ON MY FICS Y'ALL IM NOT ABOVE BEGGING PLEASE

... yeah. Anyway. Welcome!

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.

[actualbird]

thoughts on nxx as antidepressants please

weeping at this ask. i see my blog has reached INCOMPREHENSIBLE levels of nxx headcanons. im so honored....

that being said, i dont have much experience with antidepressants actually, so to honor the "write what you know" adage, i will be veering outside of antidepressants to anxiety meds and mood stabilizers that i do have more lived experience with. that being said, im not a doctor, but a patient. take all this with a grain of salt.

without further ado

the nxx boys as psychiatric medications ive taken

luke = pregabalin (used to treat anxiety, but ALSO used to treat nerve pain. i was prescribed this not for psych reasons actually but to treat a neurological issue i had, and i wouldnt be surprised if pregabalin was included in luke's list of treatments for his own neurological illness. the anxiety bit also seems fitting for luke because hes the type to endlessly worry himself with all the worse case scenarios, sometimes to his (and others') detriment)

-

artem = escitalopram. (baby's first antidepressant!! it was my first, and i think it fits artem well cuz it's used to treat both depression and anxiety, two things i think he has an abundance of. artem gets prescribed this and immediately goes into a self-worth crisis for even needing to take medication. "im really faulty, arent i..." artem thinks. chin up, artem, it aint all that bad!)

-

vyn = aripiprazole. (im currently taking aripiprazole as an adjunct medication working together with another thing im taking, and that seems to fit vyn's role as a psychiatrist/psychologist well; somebody to help you along the way in ur mental health journey along with other treatments. plus, aripiprazole is similarly hard to say just like adjudicator)

-

marius = lamotrigine. (this is an anti-epileptic medication thats also used as a mood stabilizer for bipolar disorder, and this one is marius primarily because it's the meds i have the hiGHEST DOSAGE FOR, THE PILL IS SO BIG, IT IS MAKING ITSELF KNOWN, just like marius' general 'in your face' facade. my reasoning for this is weakest among the boys, yes, but who knows. marius could have bipolar disorder like me. actually, all of the boys and mc could be bipolar. they all found each other like manic depressive magnets. sorry, what was this part about? i seem to have meandered. oh right. MARIUS. LAMOTRIGINE.)

-

thank you for this ask, anon. it gave me a hearty laugh

[lilacs-world]

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

[necro-hamster]

doctors are all going to hell forever for SURE

went to the doctor today bc i finally worked up the courage to try and get some medical help for my depression and anxiety :^) and this cunt i was talking to immediately threatened to call 911 on me bc i admitted to having suicidal thoughts :^))) like. thanks! you're really fucking making me glad i came to see you! good to know i can't be honest about anything or else you'll institutionalize me!

i was prescribed some meds but im just so disheartened and upset and scared. like. idk. i literally just want any actual support from the people who i'm PAYING to give me medical help. i don't even need them to reassure me just don't be fucking horrid human beings.

idk it just makes me feel like this isn't worth it bc i'm gonna have to go back next month too and i know that she's gonna be just as much of a stupid jackass as this time. she didn't even listen to half the shit i said and i had to frantically remind her several times that i'm not actively planning on killing myself right here in her office because i didn't want to be locked up for 72 hours like an animal

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

[barbatusart]

❄️❄️❄️❄️💨💨💨💨

DIAGNOSE THOSE FREAAAAAKS!!!!! ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️🌬🌬🌬☃️☃️☃️💎💎💎💎

❄️❄️❄️❄️☃️☃️☃️☃️💦💦💦💦

i didnt know what you meant for a split second LOL but word ok I GOTCHA. i did write everybody with cognitive "touchstones" in mind but used it more as one of multiple building blocks in shaping everybody's personalities & tried not to have anybody be a stereotype of their neural makeup. SPOILERS ABOUND BELOW THE CUT HEADS UP!

jake i wrote pretty explicitly as autistic. im not autistic myself but i have multiple close family members who are; ive been around it since i was little to present day & wanted to try my hand at writing an autistic character. i think i had it that his father is also autistic so his parents caught on pretty quickly & got him all the tools he needed growing up to live happily. unfortunately hes also extremely gullible & a firm believer in geek social fallacy

sal is a case of C-PTSD (compounded with the multiple head injuries sustained at the end of sad sack by the time sortie rolls around if thats illuminating at all) which is something he combats by making himself as physically large & intimidating as possible while using that as a social shield if that makes sense. he has this concept of himself as something he needs to mask (often literally) in order to behave as his "true" self, which also is a concept of himself that is "Not Me" that he shucks off anything he may have ever done wrong onto so he never has to take responsibility for anything. i deliberately did not write DID here but he is highly dissociative with poor emotional regulation & deeply low EQ (again: see sortie)

mal is a very nebulous anxiety disorder in an extremely extraverted person. his treatment of it involves trying to "shout" over his anxiety even louder to try & drown it out which goes about as well as youd expect; he actually nearly breaches into a full-on panic attack in book 3 where hes trying to light his cigarette. self medication is also 2 packs a day & his BP is like 220/120 at rest, but he doesnt go to the doctor much or declines blood pressure on the regular cus if he doesnt see it then nothing's wrong. nothing's wrong! he's also got some shit going on with not being able to perceive himself in any positive light unless he's positioning himself to be praised as a hero or directly comparing himself with somebody he considers "lower" than him, which when you put that up against the context of book 3 is like get the fuck away from me dude. more on that later, i got comic-related plans for mal lol

stone is a deep depression mixed in with barely functional alcoholism (starting to not so subtly breach over into alcoholic psychosis) which all roots back into an unmanaged grief thats turned into him looking for you-know-who in the people around him (ie romantic partners, this dudes a mess) he kinda laid his shit bare in 4 so the less said about that the better, his whole situation honestly skeeves me out bigtime

garv ive gone into his nonsense on here plenty but he is an unintelligent sociopath (no childhood woes he just got born that way) with the added issue of being raised on /b/ LOL

[figula]

last night i was thinking how the NHS treated me whenever i was dim enough to ask for help for my madness + just getting like more and more angry remembering it lmfao

i actually think that severing myself from like the idea of "help" and "psychiatry" and "CBT" and "mental health" has been more beneficial to my QOL than literally anything the NHS ever did for me, so im at peace w/ it on the whole, however there were some real highlights:

me sitting sobbing my eyes out in a small room w/ two strangers begging them to Please Help, and receiving a letter a few weeks later saying i wasn't ill enough for any help + i was on my own

being diagnosed w/ BPD (a big regret i have - once i cann afford to spend £250 on a psych visit im going to try and get that scrubbed off my record bc at the time of diagnosis like ~8 years ago i was naive enough to think that a diagnosis that wasn't depression or anxiety would force the NHS into giving me "help". however, obviously, as you all know, a BPD diagnosis is the 2020s equivalent of Female Hysteria

i was offered a round of CBT (classic) but there was an 18m waiting list and in that 18m i was diagnosed w/ the BPD. so i had a conversation w/ them in which they were like "we can only do the anxiety/depression, if you talk about anything BPD-ish we'll terminate you"

went to the minor injuries unit after a particularly bad self-harm session + was not asked any questions about how i was doing mentally, they didnt check i was safe, they didnt ask me if i was gonna be ok at home lol, they just cleaned me / bandaged me / sent me home again (tbh idk what id rather they did tbh like. i dont want to be sectioned - i was just kind of astonished by the lack of pretence at caring how i was doing)

in the last-ditch effort i made to get some "help" i told my (beloved! none of this is his fault) GP that if he had anything going i'd be willing to give it a shot. he told me there was this local unit opening up for "personality disorders" and that given i was motivated + all that shit i would be a perfect fit for it. (at this time i was already leery of the BPD label but i was still thinking like: maybe it will actually open THIS door to "treatment") i said to him: i know for a fact they will not accept me. you're welcome to try, but i am 100% sure that they will find a reason to reject me as a patient. and he was like no no no! haha why wouldn't they :) i'll send them a personal email about you! and they'll take you on my reccommendation! and i was like lol ok roy. anyway yeah of course they didnt accept me - as i told him they wouldnt - and he was so shocked and upset during that conversation where he told me this - and i was just like totally unemotional like "i told you this would happen" and he was like just so shocked about it all (honestly idk why, as a doctor, he must see the carnage, but whatever) and just like "my god - you were right" (yeah no shit roy) and yeah that was just the moment i was like alright im never doing any of this shit again, never ever.

to be honest my suggestion to anyone in a similar situation is to read up on antipsychiatry lmfao (shout out to bananapeppers for forcing it into my eyeballs via tumblr) bc it really changed my mindset for the better. that's probably quite a bleak sentiment to end a post about psychiatry on but uh. i dont know what to say otherwise. i don't believe in "mental healthcare" anymore like i rly dont. im doing 100x better now that i refuse to talk to doctors about my madness. there is no moral to this post

ETA: from @bananapeppers herself: "for anyone reading this who may be interested, this is an England-based antipsychiatry organization that I recommend: Campaign for Psychiatric Abolition ( https://linktr.ee/cpabolition)"

[cristellove4321]

Everyone meet hornet, inspired by several characters including Valentine day theme, zavy and whole lot of motivation to at least help hornet look and be original as possible, i went with a valentines day theme given hornet is also inspired by my boyfriend who i will call alabaster for the sake of his privacy.:3 (random info: alabasters are also nicknamed "white rose".:3), hornets name was from a character in hollow knight that goes by the same name.:3, hornets braid came from-, literally out of randomness, i took moonbunnys advice/info on one of her videos that she drawing mirage they were listening to music, so i made hornets theme around valentines day, and whenever possible i plan on writing a story about him, indigo and illusion someday probably, given he and them are star palace oc's.:3 (keep in note, these three are not in canon line within the star palace actual season.)

Info: broken glitch.

Like zavy, hornet does indeed have a glitch, but it makes his protectiveness spike, extremely so, so much so that its how hornet got the huge crack in one of his eyes, the nickname for said glitch was "broken" given it somehow has mind of its own when it takes over, this case was inspired by the love poison from mlp, when glitching to broken, the eyes will look similar to that case too.

hornets sexuality: pansexual.

like my love, hornet is indeed pansexual, but leans towards females or femboys due to preference.:3

used to work at before star palace: an asylum.

like zavy, hornet does have some medical knowledge, though me and my hon like the idea of asylums, especially if things get relatable in several different ways, with some knowledge from friends, and sense hornet is supposed to be inspired by my boyfriend Alabaster the most at the very least mentally, a mental asylum in the most modern day seemed officent.:3, unfortunately the glitch got him into trouble with a patient and a few doctors even, shutting him off for years until the medical field was shut down and he was sent to star palace.

favorite things (if he could have them): video games, animals, tv shows.

Specifically, hollow knight, cult of the lamb, RPG's, mlp, mlp horror, pokemon, SEVERAL TYPES of anime, raccoons.(idk why, my boyfriend just likes raccoons and i can indeed see the appeal.:b)

purpose: relatablity.

Whatever i did not list will be up to my boyfriend, including hornets past&treatment when working in the asylum and thus during in star palace too, given i want hornet to be relatable.

fluffy hair: inspired from zavy.(minus the back hair witch is shorter and the braid.)

glitch/broken: zavy's own glitch, indigo's own glitch and also the inspiration of mentally breaking+heart break.(witch is what me and alabaster has unfortunately experienced.qwq)

clothes: inspiration be zavy by a little bit, the rest was a mime+ballet theme.

personality disorders.(that we all are aware of.): bipolar disorder, d.i.d, depression and anxiety.

Im practically no stranger to this by now, illusion is an example of d.i.d too.(given they have different identitys that are named by different words in french.), and plus my boyfriend and other friends have indeed d.i.d disorders.(hense how broken has a mind of their own.), whatever broken and hornet does is self experience for not just d.i.d but the other stuff i have listed too, such as depression and bipolar disorder.:3

other stuff: again that's up to alabaster.:b

Color palette: i used valentines day themed color pallets and combined them.:3

teeth: this inspiration came from someone out of star palace actually, this inspiration is by the name of starlight from wtdw witch is by rainbot.:3

That's all for now!, i hope y'all enjoy hornet!! :3

[toonfinch]

this is all i will be saying about the matter because this is stupid as fuck. its a bit long but its mostly for me, not for others to read. but feel free to.

i deleted my post on r/badroommates because i got sick of arguing with idiots online and havent responded to anything because reddit temp banned me for calling myself slurs im allowed to say lmao. im gay and trans. this will go on reddit when i am unbanned. for now it stays here.

i am paying rent, i owe my roommate, u/azzyisjazzy zero dollars. he did cover two months for me because i lost my job and struggled to find a new one, then when i did it lasted like a month because the temp agency ran out of work for me to do. he knows this btw hes just a liar. he heard the phone call because it was on speaker. but i paid him back completely and have paid our most recent bills with zero issue. i am literally at work while writing this. i am on track to make rent just fine. when i said i have $10 its because i had to buy warm weather clothes because i have none. its been hot.

the way he describes my suicidal ideation is making everyone think i do this repeatedly, i did it once. on my tumblr blog, i was not thinking about how it may hurt people, when azzyisjazzy and his friend, u/dizzy_elk_6491 and my friend all had a conversation about it, nobody acted concerned, azzyisjazzy only told me that if i were to actually hurt myself and he never reported it he may lose his job. he was never concerned about me lol. either way, i realized that watching people be suicidal is stressful and i also didnt want to be forcibly hospitalized so i nuked my blog so i can vent safely. i am not suicidal at all and havent been for a while, by the way. interestingly, current roommates friend dizzy_elk_6491 has threatened suicide when things didnt go his way before. he threatened suicide when my friend wanted to break up with him. later my friend found out that dizzy_elk_6491 had been lying about his boundaries in order to keep my friend in a relationship. he did not ignore boundaries whatsoever, there were none said. also, they were literally stupid teenagers.

azzyisjazzy was cool with sharing groceries until suddenly he wasnt, i did not have enough money at the time to also buy the same amount of things he was. we literally went shopping together several times and he told me to pick things out so obviously i thought it was fine? he just sucks at telling people when hes bothered. if he didnt suddenly lock the fridge just as i got a decent job (i was saving up money to pay him back for everything, i still could not afford a substantial amount of groceries) then id have replaced everything i ate. which was like....eggs and milk and coffee. i was mostly eating my own food lol. he ruined all the food i had in the fridge at the time which probably comes out to the amount i owe him for what i ate so ill call that fair.

i do not have bipolar disorder, i do not know where anyone involved got this information. i was on lithium, but it made me worse. gave me worse anxiety and made my eyeballs twitch. not exactly a medication that works. i tried several medications that did not work. i was also accused several times by past roommate, u/finchsexroomate and their friends that i have borderline personality disorder. i thought i might but several doctors told me otherwise. so far the only mental issues im pretty sure i have is major depressive disorder, autism, anxiety, and ocd.

intensive outpatient therapy also did not work, i was having panic attacks every morning because it was not the type of therapy i require.

currently working on getting insurance so i can get trazodone, which works. because i am diagnosed for major depressive disorder. the doctors asked me the pointed questions clearly about bipolar disorder but i dont have manic and depressive episodes. on the other hand, azzyisjazzy has said he is manic. maybe he meant it in a quirky way, but whatever.

i...didnt get mad at azzyisjazzy and his friends for not learning sign language? i dont know asl. i brought it up once or twice as a "wouldnt it be cool if we all learned together" situation, because im deaf and my hearing gets worse monthly. the only sign i was aware anyone knew was when azzyisjazzy and dizzy_elk_6491 said something that contained the words "eat orange" at each other over and over. that doesnt exactly indicate to me they are at a conversational level. either way, i was not "expecting them to communicate in a language i do not speak" lol.

i never threatened a damn thing about the dog. i said she was stressing me out so bad she was triggering my ocd. ocd can cause intrusive violent thoughts. they are not desires, they are based on things you DONT want to do. they are INTRUSIVE. i felt unsafe because the thoughts were so distressing and i could not banish them from my brain. the fact that azzyisjazzy is graduating from nursing school and doesnt understand this is concerning. i thought i biked over a snake this morning and started crying before i saw it move. i threw it in someones yard so it wouldnt get run over. i don't even like hurting bugs. i got mad at azzyisjazzy for making jokes about killing crickets in the house. maybe i am sensitive, sure, judge me how you please. but that doesnt exactly indicate an animal abuser does it?

also, me being a furry and objectumsexual (attraction to objects) has literally nothing to do with anything. its funny, because my azzyisjazzy has told me he pretends to be a dog during sex multiple times. also, he is a furry. or at least was. his fursona is/was a deer. not judging, obviously, its just hypocritical. is it weird? YES. is it harmful? NO. on top of this, azzyisjazzy had me walk the dog a few times after i had said those things. clearly he was not very concerned then. im sure he knows better and is just making shit up to hurt me.

now i don't remember much about my previous living situation with finchsexroomate because i was traumatized and the order of events and details are all mixed up and blurry. i moved in because i was in a motel with my drunk father and (thankfully normal) brother for two years. i was being paid to take care of them, but i wasnt equipped to do so because of my mental health issues. that were being exacerbated by finchsexroomate's reactions to my tone of voice...or something? they would react in ways that freaked me out like getting an attitude or yelling at me. i didnt react well to this which was entirely my fault, causing arguments. this happened a lot. idk why its so hard for anyone involved to understand that we simply did not mesh well together. azzyisjazzy and finchsexroomate have very similar communication styles, or lackthereof. it makes sense why i dont get along with both of them. they suck at communicating boundaries.

it took finchsexroomate months to tell me my tone of voice was upsetting them. they also think i was frequently stewing in anger next to them to hurt them when maybe i was a little annoyed at something and not putting in a ton of effort to look cheery while like...watching tv. or something. every time there was an incident like this, me moving elsewhere was brought up. i was living in a motel for two years before this. you have to be literally stupid to think its easy to find anywhere to live in this economy. obviously did not react well to this and yes it triggered suicidal episodes. but im not unstable if my housing and food and such else is taken care of. now that i have a stable job and can afford everything i need i am perfectly fine. just a bit stressed.

for some reason finchsexroomate thinks i was in love with them and trying to drive a wedge between them and their husband? lol? i said their husband was hot like twice. hes a hairy bear? come on now. theyre just being freaks because im polyamorous. if i had a crush on either of them theyd know, because that is something i hate keeping inside even if i know telling someone will go nowhere.

our living together ended when one night we were watching tv and somehow the topic of my date the next day came up, and finchsexroomate reminded me that our other roommates who would normally take over care when i am gone would also be leaving, so i didnt want to leave them in the house alone or worry about what time i had to be home since i would not be the one driving. i announced id reschedule my date and this upset finchsexroomate so bad that they started yelling at me. i only remember the part where they started yelling fuck you over and over again after i was like dude. its like fucking midnight. we can deal with this tomorrow. their reaction freaked me the fuck out and i did what everyones demonizing me for.....taking the torch we smoked dabs with and brushing it on my wrist for less than half a second, turning it off, and putting it on the table. and then sitting there. finchsexroomate was more at risk of burning the house down than me because i saw them drop the torch while it was still spewing flames twice, and they told me it happened once while i was not there. lol. was my reaction smart? no. did i "try to burn the house down with people inside"? no.

last thing about them, after they kicked me out and gave me zero chance to grab any of my belongings forcing me to pay an exorbitant amount of money for shipping that i could not afford, i said fuck it. they dont deserve my money after all of this. its not like i could just fucking drop almost $800 on it. later when the hurt started to go away i decided id put aside money and then give it all back when ive collected enough, but um. not doing that now lmao.

between then and now i was living with people my dad knew. one of them regularly assumed everything in the house was my fault such as leaving hard water spots on dishes and several times the freezer door was left open (not by me) so he tried attacking me about it and had to be held back by two people. this happened twice. i was also threatened by one of the residents because he was abusive to his girlfriend and i almost pepper sprayed him about it. it got to the point where i had to get a motel room a second time to avoid being hurt. and of course after this is when azzyisjazzy and i started talking.

anyway back to the present. azzyisjazzy thinks i was...listening to him and his bf my first night here just bc i was quiet? i thought they knew i was here lol. i literally cannot eavesdrop. i can hear loud talking and music and dog barking and dog nails on hardwood in my room. sometimes i can hear noises but that doesnt mean i understand what the noises are. at this point im convinced everyone thinks im faking my deafness. do i need to show everyone how scarred my ear drum is? that also has a hole in it?

and i guess this all got worse because i chose to stop being very close friends with all of azzyisjazzys friends. they were a lot of energy. i avoided them a lot because my idea of a good time is being quiet and doing a task together or watching tv or going to the park to look at critters and plants or something. i still tried, i was an audience to their musicals in the kitchen. and hung out when i was able to handle their energy, which was rare. azzyisjazzy thinks i was avoiding his show because i hated him when in reality i was busy with things i felt were more important such as my friend's mental health. azzyisjazzy even told me it was fine and that he understood. i also felt that none of them liked me very much anyway, so i just kind of stopped trying. i know one of them hated me because i got mad at him for making kill all furries jokes in the discord server we were in, and several times after that he would criticize my friends and i for stupid bullshit like putting in the announcements channel to not put chunks of food in the sink that does not have a garbage disposal in it.

the reason there are horses all over my walls is because azzyisjazzy heard gunshots and we were discussing whether or not we should call the cops in the discord server. my friend and i said no because theres no way to prove which direction it came from so on top of the cops not being able to do anything, we have black neighbors that might be questioned. furry hater guy said what does their race have to do with this and i dont remember what i said after it but he sent a horse emoji which is a reference to the meme of a horse standing at the sea with the caption "MAN" and i felt it inappropriate so i muted him for 10 minutes.

so the time my friend told someone to kill themselves? he had almost gotten hit by a car, and said "kill yourself for real" about the driver. furry hater guy got mad at this and said no suicide jokes. i misinterpreted it as another baseless criticism and told him to shut up. i was wrong for this and apologized, and later decided to just leave the server because i wasnt having fun in it anyway.

idk where to place these things in this giant block of text so theyre going at the end my friend and i used the dining room table to do crafts which is why azzyisjazzy bike locked the chairs. okay...ill just get my own i guess? he has threatened to put cameras up in the house which i am fairly certain is illegal because i do not consent and it would violate a reasonable expectation of privacy in the state of Missouri. also azzyisjazzy and i both agreed that nudity is not an issue, and when i am alone in the house sometimes i dont have a shirt on. i am a trans man, i have tits. that's inappropriate and once again im fairly certain that is illegal. missouri is a one party consent state so the only circumstance where recording me would be okay is if one of whoever is in the video or audio consents, such as if azzyisjazzy and i had a conversation. he could be the one to consent. but he doesn't say use his big boy words at me anymore so that wont happen. weve said a total of maybe 5 words to each other in the last month. i text him sometimes and he pretends not to see it but i know he does because he thinks me telling him his post got removed was bragging that i reported it. maybe my friends did? i dont control them. lmao.

hes also told my friends that me simply living here is an "escalation" and that if i continue to live here "things will get worse for me" those are threats. genuinely convinced that he knows a lot of what he is saying is made the fuck up or stretched truths just so "things will get worse"

btw, im not the one abusing the dog. she gets one walk a day and is barely played with because of how much azzyisjazzy works. all she does is sleep all day and bark out the window and piss on the couch and the floor and chew up shit azzyisjazzy leaves around the house, like a plastic tape dispenser. those plastic shards might be inside her stomach, by the way. that can and has killed dogs. many times.

i dont know what else to say. this is getting way too long. i certainly feel better after writing it though.

i may or may not respond to comments. i dont really feel like proving myself to a bunch of redditors, but considering these lies might follow me around for a while especially because finchsexroomate posted my FACE????? glad i look extremely different now (thanks hrt) and was wearing a mask lol. what sort of fucking insane behavior. i kind of wanted to post webcomics online, so i felt it necessary to do a bit of damage control. of course, all sides to this is mostly he said she said, so this only helps so much. but i said my truth, and ill stand by it. omission of details is because i forgot. this has been all over the last two years. my memory is shot because i got covid the first time i was in the motel and the repeated trauma hasnt helped. if someone brings up a good point i will respond to it.

anyway. ill move out when im able to. get the fuck over it.

good fucking lord.

im going to go do literally anything else more productive than this. get a new hobby. make a fursona and maybe youll feel better. fucking weirdos

[voidwritesstuff]

Dionysus and Charon.

Cw: suggestive themes,mentions of anger issues,depression,anxiety, abusive family, May be missing a few.

Summary: an elaborate fic for desmonds gay arc.

Wordcount: 10k ish.

The car stopped with a Rumble, its lights turn off,as the night Sky is lit up by a full moon and thr stars,Lucas turns to see desmond-- Ya really never been to this bar before?

--I mean yes but I havent been here in a good while-- desmond replied, undoing his seatbelt and opening the door,his friend copying him.-- Last time I was here I think...I think I graduated

--jesus!--Exclaimed Lucas,Closing the door of the car, to then lean on the hood of it-- you never go out to places like this? --His Friend looks at him like "do I look like someone who goes out to places like this?"-- right...Alright! 'M 'bout to change that,cmon.

"Dionysus Bar"  the purple neon bar read, it was decorated with images of grapes And wines, it flickered a little. The outside of the building looked like a crossover between modern 90s architecture and old rustic decor. Its beautiful and cozy,they can hear the buzz of the inside.

--Good thing we came early, this place gets so jampacked sometimes-- Lucas walks to the entrance, hearing his therapist close the door of the car and catching up.

As they enter, the first thing they feel is cold,then they see is a few round tables, the wood they're made out of is pretty dark. The walls are a light cream color, some of the parts are decorated with paintings and a few TVs have the latest football game playing.

--Huh,slow night-- the ex soldier thinks out loud-- Lets go to the actual bar,cmon-- desmond follows along,compliant and just admiring the place-- did it change much since the last time you were here?

--no,not really. Its pretty much the same

They reach the bar and sit, waiting for someone to take their order. The room has music and chatter as background noise, theres a few other people in the bar but neither of the two pay attention to them.

--Good evening,Gentlemen! What can i do for you?--A Man said behind the counter,both men turn to see the bartender. He was around 6'1, plump muscles and alert greyish green eyes, his beautiful brown hair with Orange highlights And royal blue underdye tied in a tight bun,yet a few of his baby hairs fall and frame his face perfectly.

He smiles, and his cheeks seem to fill up as he does so, his sideburns frame the Lower part of his face.

--Lazaro?--Asked Lucas with wide eyes and a smile.

--Lucas! How are you buddy?--Lazaro replied.

Desmond looks at his friend and the bartender, trying to not get lost in his green eyes-- wait,you two know eachother?

--Yeah Man! Hes jericos older brother, dont you recognize him?

He takes a second look, he sees the few holes in the Mans face where their piercings usually sit, then the Many tattoos on his exposed forearms. And then it clicks-- yes,apologies. I didnt recognize him without the piercings

Lazaro laughs and oh its the sweetest sound hes ever heard, joyfull and genuine, yet behind his eyes the therapist sees a sad glint he knows a little too well from Jerico ,his patient and sister of the Man before him.

--So youre my sisters therapist? Goddamn,the world is small,huh?--He replied leaning on the counter with a smile. Des wants to pull away and move closer at the same time.

--yes it is, I uh did not expect you to look so much like her,though-- the doctor replied.

--Oh right-- laz replied with a chuckle-- Well, yeah im her biological brother but we do look extremely alike. Its a little inside joke. Anyway,whats your Poison?

--Just two beers for now-- Lucas answered-- whatever line you have as long as its good

--Ten-four lieutenant-- He leaves for a quick second and grabs two beers, he makes sure its the coldest ones they have and returns. His muscles flex as he cracks the Open and desmond finds himself staring.

--your tattoos dont get you in trouble with your boss? -- Lucas asked.

--My boss says chicks dig the tatts,men too--,Apparently-- The bartender said, winking at desmond and flicking the two bottle caps to Lucas before leaving.

--Jerico likes them-- The soldier explained,putting the two caps on his pocket. He realizes his friend is too stuck on watching Laz serve the other costumers-- doc?

Desmond turns to see his friend with a grin, oh hes fucked up-- What?

--Why are you looking at Laz?

--Drop it, Lucas-- He replied with Pink cheeks.

--you should totaly talk to him, Ive spent time with him before, hes the sweetest!

--Absolutely not!

--Cmon doc! Live a little! Youve been checking him out,at least buy him a drink!

--Can bartenders drink during their shift?

--Well they do switch in a few minutes-- the soldier trails off.

--How Many times did you come here? Youre not even from milton-haven!--Desmond protested, a little flustered.

--I came a few times-- Lucas shrugged-- 'sides y'know me,doc. 'M quite perceptive

A few minutes pass by and Lazaro returns to the two men, mostly to clean up after himself. Thats when Lucas says-- Hey Laz! Can you drink during break?

--Yeah, why?

Desmond feels Lucas kick him in the shin and he flinches. His eyes refuse to meet the bartenders and instead settle on his drink-- W-Well we were uh- wondering if youd like to have a drink wi-with us...?

He doesnt see the bright smile Lazaro has on his lips--Fine then, oh I could so use a drink.

The therapist forces himself to make eye contact-- Wh-what do you drink?

His smile,oh god his smile, its sun incarnate just like his sister. Desmonds heart does a flip-- necromancer Martini. Though I feel kinda bad just making one for me

The therapist doesnt even hesitate-- Ill pay, I mean I invited you to drink with us, its only fair

--Desmond you dont gotta-- the younger Man said.

--I insist

--Let me at least half the price?

--No. Im paying

In that moment,lazaro's chest warms up and takes the money-- You are too sweet,Desmond. My sister's right

Desmonds face heats up and he sees Lazaro put the money in the register and gets to make his drink. Its hypnotizing to watch, how he moves around the bar like its second nature,his hips sway to the latin beat playing.

《Havana, ooh na-na

Half of my heart is in Havana, ooh na-na

He took me back to East Atlanta, na-na-na, ah

Oh, but my heart is in Havana

There's somethin' 'bout his manners.

Havana, ooh-na-na.》

Lazaro is absolutely stunning to watch,at least in desmonds eyes, hes so full of energy and larger than life. If it wasnt for how enamored he was with him, Des mightve felt jealous.

He sits with the two men after he grabs his dinner, Argentine empanadas and a little note in spanish "para el mejor hermano mayor del mundo. No te atragantes -Jerico" -- for the best brother in the world, dont choke while you eat them, Jerico-- Laz translated.

Lucas chuckles-- damn, what a meal you have going on

--Martini and empanadas? Dude im in HEAVEN-- the younger Man exclaimed,taking a bite out of his food-- and good company too-- he looks at desmond and smiles a little.

Desmond looks like a deer in headlights, Lucas tries not to laugh as his friend doesnt reply and takes a sip from his drink. For the rest of his break the three of them talk (its mostly Lucas and laz talking,though).

"God, hes pretty" the therapist thinks "Jesus! How Many times a week does he work out? And why does his shirt look so good on--"

--He didn't walk up with that "how you doin'?"

When he came in the room

He said there's a lot of girls I can do with

But I can't without you

I knew him forever in a minute

That summer night in June

And papa says he got malo in him

He got me feelin' like...-- Lazaro sang, snapping Des out of his thoughts. His singing voice sweet as a nightjars,and as smooth as the way he moved behind the bar.

A few more minutes go by before Laz goes back to work, he pats desmond on the back and says-- Thanks for the drink, Doc -- he flirted.

The therapist looks up at him and, oh god, hes towering over him easily. His cheeks go bright red as jerico's brother smiles and leaves to get back to work.

--You need another drink-- Lucas chuckled.

--yes I do-- the other Man sgreed.

Desmond thanked the gods that another bartender took their order. He now swirls the double whiskey on the rocks looking at the dark wood counter.

--Theres nothin' wrong with likin' a Man,you know?--The radioman said.

--I dont-! I dont like him! Hes very...charming

--Dont like him? Dude! You were giving bartender boy over there them "Marry me" eyes.-- to emphasize his point he gestures at Lazaro whose currently making a Group of girls swoon for him with his charm and quips.

--Hell no!--Desmond shrieked with his face beet red,then he turns to look at Laz and he grips his glass.

Lucas raises a brow and chuckles. "Jealous much?" He thinks.

By the end of the night they pay their tab and desmond leaves for the car, then Lucas leaves a little more money for Laz alongside the one desmond left. He calls lazaro over and says-- Hey laz,this is from the doc, and heres a bit of mine

--Oh damn,thats a lot of money-- Laz murmurs-- thanks yo

--Dont mention it

The drive back home is spent with Lucas teasing the hell out of Desmond, who only sulks and looks out the Window. Once he drops him off at his appartment, the therapist goes to sink into his bed and pray to god he doesnt get hangover. He was a lightweight.

In the realm of the collective unconcious things were always changing, it had to make space to the New shadows that kept popping out of literally nowhere. Most of their little territorios werent much of a sight or even fun.

But oh, that wasnt always the case

When desmond had Fallen asleep, Agent Rainbow," 'Gent" as he preffered to be called, got to walk around that ever shifting realm, Freed from being tied up to his counterpart.

That night he came across something most peculiar, A bar. It was a mix of medieval and gothic architecture with its greyish yellow walls and black iron support beams decorated with those gothic motives. The neon sign read "Hades bar" with neon blue tubing and red spider lillies that shone crimson. Its overgrown with red spider lillies and other funerary flowers.

He fixes up his hat, he sees other shadows come in and out,shifting and morphing into different forms. For the Curiosity, and because he nothing better to do that night, he steps in.

《Early this morning

When you knocked upon my door

Early this morning

When you knocked upon my door》

The first he feels is a deathly chill, he does see a fireplace but the wood seems...frozen. the singer on the floor above sings, the strings and the piano give the bar a most ghastly appereance.

His eyes look for the bartenders and thats when he saw him.

《And I said hello Satan, ah

I believe it is time to go》

A skeleton, tall and lanky,adorned with a long robe blackish desaturated blue ,it glimmers like fresh snow. Hes adorned with jewelry of crosses,skulls and harnesses, even just seeing the metal Gent figured it was deathly Cool. The crown adorned with red spider lillies and skull,the spikes that the skulls where impaled on looked more like sharp Pointy month antenna.

And this shadow,whoever he was, was alluring.

He moved with such poise, such elegance, he twirls and moves around the bar counter making drinks, its impossible not to look at him.

With a smirk,Rainbow goes to sit at the bar,in the same spot his counterpart had sat earlier this evening. He leans in and raises his hand.

--Evening, gentleman-- the skeleton said, voice raspy and utterly ghastly, as if he was speaking with his last breath every time. But its somewhat deep, and easy on the ear-- what can I get for you

--Double whiskey on the rocks,please handsome-- desmonds shadow flirted.

Amused, the skeleton grabs the whiskey,some jack daniels that is impossibly old, sets it on the counter and then grabs a round short stout glass. Their gazes meet, defiant but curious.

The skeleton opens his mouth and frost breath that gleamed like diamonds comes from deep within his mouth, his hand raises and grasps the breath, an uniform cube forms and without breaking eye contact he uses that same hand to break the Ice in two like one would do an egg.

Ice clinks as it falls on the glass, then he pours the whiskey and corks the bottle, pushing it to rainbow.-- Here you go, beautiful

'Gent chuckles and takes a sip from it, the whiskey is so cold it stings his tongue. But he doesnt flinch-- What May your name be?

The skeletal figure leans in,using his forearms for support-- People around here call me Decay or Charon.

--Call me 'gent-- the other shadow replied,taking decay's hand and kissing his knuckles,without breaking eye contact. Their energy together is almost electric like two impossibly strong forces colliding with eachother.

《Me and the devil walkin' side by side

Me and the devil walking side by side》

--Very well 'gent-- Decay says his name with defiance,he leans in,pushing his cold necromantic aura towards him,trying to show the Man before him that he wasnt in controll there-- I belive I havent seen you around here before

--Well..--Agent rainbow started,taking a sip from his drink-- I just happen to come across this fine stablishment. Which,no doubt,youre the owner of-- he shakes the glass a little, the liquid almost spills but only one single drop does slide down the surface of the glass. In that moment, as he sets down the glass, a coaster appears.

Decay feels for a silver of a moment, that the power is striped away from him, pulled away by the Man before him, the coaster is shaped like a cassete tape. The glass sits there anf agent looks smugly at him-- and it piqued my interest..

The other shadow looks at him impressed,a second of fear flashes through the skeletons gaze before returning to that aloof but defiant feel-- well, arent you something else? -- he gestures at one of his emplooyes,a smaller skeleton.-- lets go have a chat...

--Very well

Decay makes himself a drink, and both go up the stairs to the second floor. Its only then Rainbow realized that his companion easily towered over him.

《And I'm gonna see my man

Until I get satisfied》

They sit at a round table, dark wood and a beautiful greyish blue tablecloth, in the centre there is a skull with a red spider lily growing from it. The flower shines a faint red. The whole bar could be seen from here.

--Its the first time I see a shadow as powerfull as you-- Decay compliments.

-- Same could be said about you..-- he leans in with a smirk-- what is the ferry of the dead doing here?

Finally, the shadow before him chuckles,breaking the figurative ice-- my counterpart is a bartender,made sense that my realm was a bar, I felt like the world around needed some life

--The embodiment of death wanting to give life? Color me impressed

--Thats cheesy-- teased decay,also leaning in.

--You seem to be into it

--Never said I wasnt

Both make eye contact and they both chuckle, and then they Keep talking. The whole night goes like that, relentless flirting and conversation, its fun and a good time.

At some Point in the middle of the evening, theres a brief silence as Agent drinks from his glass, he notices that Decay suddenly zeros in on his drink,a necromancer Martini, and if eye sockets could go wide his would. His skeleton hand tugs at the ring hanging from his spike choker and a soft sharp gasp escapes Him.

--Are you okay?--Agent asked.

--Oh god, oh no. The tree-- decay stands up and bolts down the stairs, desmonds shadow follows Him. He tries to call out to him but he doesnt answer.

Outside of the bar agent watches as two giant moth wings sprout from the skeletons cloak,held together by a Giant skull. He kicks up in flight.

There were few things that could scare a shadow like that, rainbow follows him as fast as he can past the different territories of other shadows and finally reaches the cementary.

《You may bury my body

Down by the highway side

You may bury my body

Down by the highway side》

Agent finds Decay freezing the trunk of a Giant willow tree, the Bark is rotting away and the Ice from his fellow shadow seems to stop it.

--Okay...its okay-- he hears him whisper with a string of a voice. The skeleton kneels and hunches over the grave framed by the roots of the tree.

He approaches silently, putting a hand on Decays shoulder and kneeling with him-- Are you okay?

Decay's eyes fill with eyes that falls like tears from his eye sockets-- Oh im s-sorry I didnt mean to-- he sniffs and covers his face, hes shaking. Agent is quick to realize the symptoms of an anxiety attack, he figured its because desmond is a therapist.

--its okay. Youre okay, youre safe, breathe . --At this Point he didnt know if he was talking to decay or directly to the shadows counterpart. His arms hug him and holds him tight, hes freezing cold but he doesnt mind-- center on my voice, its okay.

Decay slowly stops shaking, his breath eventually evens out. When his gaze meets his oncemore hes calmer.

--What happened-- agent asked, letting his companion pull back a little.

--This tree- im tied to it somehow-- decay explains-- when my counterpart experiences the feelings that he represses, this tree rots a little, the Ice stops it but tonight...something changed. -- Agent reads the tombstone both are kneeling infront of. "L.Castro" it says.-- with every bit of anger swallowed, with every part of grief he doesnt process this tree rots, most of the times I can absorb it but when I cant then...

Rainbow coos,trying to calm him down-- its okay,you fixed it. Its fine now. Can I ask what happens once the tree rots away?

--Well..when it rots away,my counterpart,Lazaro, he'll release all those emotions thats eating him on the inside. Its going to be violent, either that or...or- well.. theres a reason im a skeleton

It clicks for agent in an instant. He nodds and rubbs soothint circles on his companions back-- thats not going to happen. I promise-- his hands wipe away the icy tears-- do you have anywhere to rest?

Even if shadows didnt need sleep, all had a place to rest-- I udually sleep in the boughs of the willow tree. Why?

Gent purses his lips-- Stay at my place tonight,I dont think its good that you sleep here after what just happened

Decay looks at him surprised--You just met me though?

Agent stands up and offers his hand-- no ulterior motives, cross my heart--- he does an X on his chest with his free hand.

The other shadow takes it and he pulls them up gently-- lets go,then

The walk to his appartment is silent,but desmonds shadow never lets go of his companions hand. Once they reach his appartment agent shared his bed with the skeleton.

Decay buries his head on rainbows chest,who hugs him tight against his frame. Sure, most of the time he was an asshole, but seeing a shadow so powerfull as him being scared shook Him. And because he had a crush on him too, he knows the tell tale signs and doesnt fight them. He just hopes that at least tonight,Decay And his counterpart relax.

The Next day for desmond was absolutely normal, no hangover thankfully just a weird feeling of worry. But worry about what? He doesnt know. With that hanging feeling he goes about his day,has a few sessions with his patients and by midday he goes back home for lunchbreak.

--Oh f--he stops himself from cursing, he purses his lips and closes the fridge. He had ran out of veggies for his salad.--How didnt I notice?-- he murmured, grabbing his appartment keys and his car keys. Usually Magdalena would get the groceries or at least remind him to get them.

Without her around well...hes re-learning how to live life.

The drive to homa mart is death silent, hes a little too annoyed for music right now. He parks the car and goes into the store, didnt Virginias boyfriend Dave work here?.

Desmond is currently picking out lettuce and a few tomatos and a few other things For his lunch,Thats when his eyes catch a flash of blue hair and he turns to see.

Lazaro is jamming out to some music, he has one earbud in while he grabs a few veggies. Seeing him with all his piercings was a trip for the therapist, he forgot just how Many he had,he stays a little too stuck staring at the snakebites piercings on the other Mans lips that look very soft.

--Oh Desmond!--Lazaro says with a smile, snapping the Man out of his thoughts. Hes wearing a tanktop with ripped holes, ripped up jeans and normal sneakers. All black. His tattoed arm pats the Mans back.

Des notices the beautiful sunflowers and red spider lillies on his bicep, and a Lion with its skull exposed and covered in its mane-- oh- laz-lazaro, good afternoon

--Man, what are the odds! We saw eachother yesterday night and now here?--He giggled,amused.

--Yes- uhm. Youre right-- his eyes look up at him and notices the heavy eyebags on his companion, for a moment laz's smile falters and though extremely built he seems...weak-- this May be too forward but..are you okay.

Lazaro looks away and scratches the back of his neck-- Ah well, family problems you know? Dont want to bother you with it

--no no, please do tell me. I mean its good to let stuff out...-- he trailed off, his eyes deviating to the Mans other arm, where it was covered from shoulder to wrist in a beautiful asian dragon tattoo, the tail of the dragon coils on laz's pectoral.

--Ah well,Our bio mo-- he stutters, he coughs out the Word with the same hatred and disdain jerico did--mother called last night, she was with our biological father, the call started fine, asking us how we were doing...but then she started to recall our childhood and well...she had it all wrong, what she put Us through. It ended up in a screaming match, And well-- he sighs-- every time it gets like this,I get in a really bad headspace, I didnt get much sleep last night..

Desmond pats his back and says-- thank you for telling me,and im sorry. You two deserve so much better

--Thank you,Des. I think I need some rest--laz replied-- Come by the bar tonight?

--I uh- 'm kinda busy with paperw-- he starts,but then he meets his tired gaze and he sighs-- Sure, just one drink.

--Cool, its gonna be a slow night anyway, sunday night? Nobody is coming for a drink on a sunday-- laz shrugged-- I like your vest,by the way.

Desmonds cheeks go bright red and he tugs at his tie-- uh-uhm thanks. Your tattos look pretty good t-too

--Oh,theyre my pride and joy!--laz exclaimed, going back to his cheerful persona-- you should see the one on my back, I love that one.-- his eyes catches the clock above the stand that had the veggies-- oh,i gotta get going. See you tonight

--good-goodbye-- Desmond replied,laz walks away and the therapist cant help himself but stare at his back, muscular and toned but still soft and a little pudgy. From what little skin he can see that isnt covered by the tanktop, the tattoo on his back have moth wings.

Night arrived faster than he wouldve liked, he grabbed a few of the documents and a few pens and left for Dyonisus Bar.

《Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?

Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?

Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?

Seein' you tonight, fuck it, it's fine》

He caught the song midway through, but the lyrics speak to him more than he wouldve liked. He shouldnt be going out tonight. No,he shouldve stayed at home, he has paperwork to do and--

Lazaro waits for him behind the counter, des sits where he did last time.

--Thanks for the tip last time. It was too much money but i so appreciate it.

Desmond Recalled how much money he left last time and then it dawns on him. Lucas that sneaky bastard-- Its uh...nothing-- he replied with a shy,polite smile.

--what can I get you to make that-- the younger Man points at the documents-- less of a pain in the ass.

--Just a beer,thanks.

There was almost no-one in the bar that night, only a few costumers. Desmond scribbles down on his papers even when he gets his beer--Thank you-- he murmurs.

Lazaro makes himself another Martini necromancer, and sits beside desmond,looking how dilligently he works. It warms up his chest and finds it endearing-- hey,your face is a little too close to the paper.

Desmond's cheeks go bright red, he pulls back a little-- Ah sorry- uhm..force of habit

The other Man laughs and shakes his head-- No prob. Take a rest in a bit yeah?

《"I only see him as a friend, " the biggest lie I ever said

I only see him as a friend, I just tripped and fell into his bed》

The therapist nodds-- uh,thank you for reminding me. I can get stuck in work a lot.

--Hey, thats what im here for-- he drinks from his Martini and stares at him a little longer before looking at the football match.

A solid 40 minutes go by,until desmond drops the towel on the paperwork-- im done with this. I dont think I can handle one more file

Laz didnt move from his spot, he looks at his companion and smiles-- I was wondering when you'd put your feet on the ground

--Apologies- I guess waiting for someone to be done with paperwork can be annoying...-- desmond applogized meekly.

--I figured you'd be working-- "but I wish you talked to me instead" laz thought-- I dont mind. 'Sides, I couldnt help but watch you,youre so passionate about it, I can tell you like helping people. Im glad my sister is getting helped by you, thank you

With that,desmond short circuits-- youre- youre too kind laz, I uhm. Try my best

--yeah, s'no Biggie-- he replied-- so, whats after this? Someone to return home to?

--oh uh...-- the Man clears his throat-- 'M divorced. So -no

--Oh god,im sorry I didnt want to Open a wound-- he apologized.

--No no,you didnt. Hey uh why dont you pour me a whiskey? I think i can uh- stay for another drink.

Lazaro smiled-- coming right up, doc.

Thats how for the rest of the night, both drink a little. Desmond,being the lightweight he was he gets super drunk, slurring his words.

In that moment, Agent takes the reigns of his conciousness, deciding to finally put an end to this fruitless pinning-- are you booze? Because im getting dizzy just looking at you!-- he flirted leaning in.

The younger Man finds it amusing, he giggles-- thats so cheesy

--Alright-alright then, another one...I think all the bottles in this bar must be jealous, cause your beauty is the most intoxicating thing in this place.?

Lazaro laughs loudly and lean in-- that ones good!

--If- if you think that ones good..--Desmond also Leans in, eyes locked on his--What do you say we get out of here? I bet you’re way better to wake up next to than a hangover~

Agent is impressed to see Lazaro actually consider the proposition. But he shakes his head-- Des,youre drunk. Ask me when youre sober

"Thats the only thing keeping you from being together" desmonds shadow thinks before letting go of Desmonds conciousness.

That night, Lucas picked up Desmond from the bar since he was in no condition to drive. He apologized to Laz for his friend and left.

But lazaro sighs and watches them leave, he looks at the half empty glass of whiskey and finishes it himself. The closes thing To kissing Des as he had for now.

In the land of the collective unconcious, Agent Is laughing his ass off and coughing his ass off with Decay. The skeleton is incredibly funny and charming, and Agent cant help but stare at him with love in his eyes.

--Are you alright? That coughing fit sounded...intense--decay cooed, taking The Mans hand.

--Nothing you gotta worry about,handsome-- the other shadow replied,kissing his cold knuckles. -- come walk with me?

--Alright

Both leave the bar,hand in hand, walking around the town in quiet conversation -- You truly are something else-- 'gent replied, his voice is raspy but so soft.

--Youre too kind

--No i mean it, you and your counterpart are something else-- he shyly stands up on his toes and kisses his cheek.-- so sweet and so funny..

Decay's face frosts up and he leans a little on his companion. The skeleton squeezes the hand hes holding and replies--You too,I never met someone like you either.

--Hey, let me accompany you to your tree? Lets go check up on it,...together -- Its almost amusing to watch someone like rainbow get flustered. His cheeks glow with the chemicals under his skin, his hands get a little sweaty but his companion doesnt mind.

At the tree,Decay traces the outline of the rotting bark-- Hold on...'gent look, the holes not as big as it used to be!

Gent looks and indeed, the rotting Bark seemed to heal somewhat, now the rotting hole looks like a heart.

--Oh my-- oh dear! -- he squealed-- did you do this?

Desmonds shadow thinks back to earlier this night, the flirting, it must have helped-- yes,I made desmond flirt with lazaro

--well- it worked! Oh I love you!--decay's face frosts over,looking Like a more gaunt version of laz's face. His boney hands grips the collar of his trenchcoat and kisses him, he kisses back and hugs him.

--Damn,didnt you you were so fond of me hmph!-- Decay kisses him again and tugs at his clothes.

--You are amazing,rainbow. I owe you

--How about dinner at my place huh? To repay your debt,of course. I guess a Man so powerfull as you doesnt like owin people...-- his finger playfully tugs at the ring of the skeleton's spiky choker.

--Youre right,Sir. I dont~

--Its a date,then-- he winks and both stay there just looking at eachother, enjoying just a little more time together.

For the Next few weeks,Desmond doesnt visit the bar, busy witt work. Jerico is kind enough to relay that fact to his older brother,who was fretting over if desmond was upset because of what had happened last time they saw eachother.

--Hey jer! Before you go to desmonds-- Lazaro called out one afternoon-- can you ask him if he wants to come over to my band's practice?

--Sure dude. Youll owe me though!-- jeri replied with a smile.

He shrugged-- I dont mind if its you,and thank you-- his sister pats his bicep reassuringly.

--Oh dont worry Man, he likes you im sure of it! Hes just really shy

--I hope so...-- He trailed off, before his sister hugs him tight.

--Cheer up, emo ass

Laz chuckles-- Punkass -- he teased,ruffling her hair.

--Asshole!--Jer yells as she runs to the door to leave.

--idiot!-- the Man yells back.

--salame!(dumbass!-- she Shouts,closing the door.

--Boluda!-- he exclaimed a final time once the door is closed. Then he goes to his room to finish his university assigments.

Next afternoon, Desmond reaches the small warehouse the band practiced. Jerico was with him, she opens the door and both step in, he sees Lucas also there.

--Desmond! Glad you could make it!--Lazaro said with a smile, he was in the same clothes he saw him in at the supermaket, but in Des' eyes hes absolutely stunning.

--Jerico spoke so highly of your band I had to come over...--Desmomd doesnt know where that came from but hes not complaining

--Oh youre too sweet-- for the first time the therapist sees his crush blush, it takes him a moment to realize hes the reason the cute guy before him blushes.

As the band settles in, he sees the logo of the band on the drums, "The Decayed" and the logo is a rotting willow tree with the letters above the boughs of said tree. And for some reason the image of that rotten willow tree sends a shiver down his spine. Hes seen it before and he knows its an omen,but an omen for what? Where has he seen that image before?

Soon,the music starts, Lazaro is the main singer and desmond knows from the first few words if the song that hes fucked. Hes fucked because this time he cant deny his feelings for the young Man anymore.

--This is it!

Now we've found it, I'm astounded

Every town will be surrounded

By a throng of marchin' death

Delicious the riches, they glisten ahead-- his voice is deep and easy on the ears,he playa the electric guitar with such ease, with the same poise that he had when working at the bar.

--It's a craze!

They'll devour every hour

Of these endless, non-progressive inundations of their kind

And lucky for you, you're the next one in line--the singer points at desmond and smiles, winking at him.

--When I'm necromancin', everyone's dancin'

No one can stop me, I dare you to try

The dead are infused with sensational groove

And they're comin' for you now

There's nowhere to hide-- laz moves his hips,its fluid and hypnotizing to watch

--Yeah! (Waltzin' forth, here they come)

I'm raisin' the dead (everyone, turn and run)

I'm lovin' the dread (killer moves that will stun)

Let's make some evil!-- hes so calm and collected, so stone cold cool and non-chalant. Hes feeling the song and hes enjoying every bit of it,  desmond is frozen in place, he cant move.

The rest of the song is a haze for the therapist,oh hes absolutely gone. He was so deep in love for him.

When the song ends, the three audience members cheer and holler at them. -- Oh, did you know each member has a god  of death associated with him? -- Jerico said while the band tuned up the instruments-- Lazaro is Charon,the ferry of the dead!

--Yeah! And jer here is designing our outfits for our concert-- Lazaro jumped in-- show 'em!

Jerico shows Lucas and Desmond the designs for the members, but when he gets to Lazaro's something inside of Des stirrs. Agent freaks the hell out because he recognizes the elements of design, he knows the Point of the crown with spider lillies, he knows the sway of the cape and the clinking of the metal jewelry.

Agent understands why Decay looks the way that he looks. And for a moment he tries to push into Desmonds concience but to no avail,he hasnt had any communication with his counterpart in a while. As powerful as he was in the collective unconcious, Desmond  was stronger, for now.

--Thats so cool honey!--Lucas exclaims,kissing jerico, she kisses back.

--Thank you!

Desmond tries not to scowl, hes so jealous. He wants that with Lazaro,but he knows he cant because hes a coward.

As hes about to leave, Lazaro stops him. He looks nervous but excited.

--Desmond wait!--His voice is a little raspy because of the singing-- I uh..got these two tickets for an emo music concert. I uh was s'pposed to go with jer but shes got plans...do you want to go with me? I know its not your kinda music but--

--As a date?--its what his grown dumbass asks. He tries to back track once he realizes how much hes just exposed himself.

--Oh -- Laz hesitates, taken aback as his heart seems to beat out of his chest-- si- yes. As uhm a date, ive been meaning to ask you out..

Oh wait. Hes serious-- Its uhm no problem, id love to go-- and he smiles just a little,to make sure laz stays calm and doesnt think hes fucked up.

--oh hell yeah! We're gonna have so much fun! You dont gotta dress up like me, plenty people go with their Every day clothes...!

"Cool! Cause he doesnt have any black clothes to wear!" Agent thinks,breathing a sigh of relief now that desmond said Yes.

Desmond says his goodbyes and leaves for his house. A smile on his lips and a Pep in his step.

That night,Agent found himself having dinner with Decay, its a splendid time as Decay seems less worried about his tree. Agent is glad to see him anyway,spending time with that skeleton is the hightlight of his days/night.

Music pours from the vynil player he has nearby. Agent offers his hand and says--May I have this dance,Lord of the dead?

--You may-- Decay flirted, taking his hand and standing up. Decay nos looked like a skeletal rendition of Lazaro,his body made of Ice. The other shadow simply hugs his waist with his free arm and both dance along to Ellas Fritzgerald's "The Man I Love".

The pace is slow and sweet, they had all the time in the world. Only the song can be heard as both sway, 'Gent feels the parts of his skin that make contact with the icy body of his companion freeze for a moment, even the liquid within his skin, and then return to normal.

Its not an unpleseant feeling, just one of the things that made Decay who he was, and gent loved every bit. --Im so happy Desmond accepted Lazaros date, the hole in the tree is so much smaller now! Its shaped like a heart too!

--Yes,im happy too, its about time he does something-- gent agrees-- I was tired of suggesting pickup lines and him having none of it. 

--Can he hear you?

The other shadow shrugs-- he thinks im intrusive thoughts, so no.

--Lazaro cant hear me either. But when you calmed me down from that anxiety attack, I think he heard you somehow... you calmed him down so it calmed me down! He thought he was hearing desmonds voice coaching him-- Decay explained-- im so happy,thank you

--Seeing you happy makes me happy-- he replied, pressing a kiss to his icy lips. He kisses back and both stop dancing. Instead,they make out for a few solid minutes.

--Next date is on me.-- the skeleton declared.

--What do you have in mind?

--Picnic under the moonlight, good booze and you know...-- His skeletal hand goes under the Mans trenchcoat.

'Gent chuckles-- can you even-

--Well, youre going to have to find out, wont you?

He smirks-- Hmm, youre right.

Both go to cuddle on the bed just like they did that first night. And just like last time,its comfortable and reassuring. Rainbow knows he would do anything to make sure he can Keep holding Decay like that.

Few days pass by, the concert day goes swimmingly, desmond even found brotherhood Among other "golden retriever" people that came to support their emo partners. But when asked if Him and lazaro were a thing,he'd become flustered and deny it.

After that, Desmond was sure he was in love,but he wouldnt admit it. Not even to himself, but he couldnt say no when Lazaro asked him if they could go on a second date, he cant say no to the idea of going to a café,anything relating to Lazaro he couldnt say no.

One day, Desmond and Lazaro are hanging out on the park with Lucas and Jerico. Its the few last days of summer, and the day is beautiful.

-- Laz! The ball got stuck on a tree again!--Jerico called out. She sees her brother looks away from desmond and his eyes spot the ball.

--I got it!--He called out, taking off his shirt because he was cooking himself. Black clothes on a sunny day? Nope.

Desmonds air leaves his lungs as he finally sees Lazaros Back. Still muscly, still soft. The tattoo on his back, a Giant Death's Head moth,black And white that expands down to his middle back.

Then, his eyes Lower to his hips and he realizes he also has a tramp stamp tattoo, it looks like a grave with bones,crows And of course, red spider lillies.

Lazaro climbs up the tre,His strong back muscles flexed with every move of his arms, the wings of his Giant skull moth tattoo look like its about to take off as his shoulderblades move, Des cant look away and he knows hes staring.

He gets the ball down and trots Back to the therapist. He sits and lets out a sigh-- Damn,what a day.

But oh no desmonds not there, hes staring at the minimalist sun tattoo under his collarbone, the underboost tattoo that accentuates his top surgery scars...

His eyes catch the view of the anarchy symbol on his throat and,staring right at him on the side of the neck that was facing him, a tattoo with spray paint typography that says "Bite Me".

Desmond feels like his soul leaves his body for a split second, oh he was not prepared for that.

--Im so hot-- Complained lazaro, fanning himself with a book.

"No arguing there" the therapist thinks,amused.-- I need fall to happen right about now

Des chuckles-- I feel you, do you uhm want water?

--Please -- Laz gets the coldest water bottle in the portable fridge, he drinks and lets out a sigh--What would I do without you,Doc?

--Its uhm..Nothing

--Pass by the bar later?-- laz asked.

--uhm...sure-- he replied shyly.

--Cool,ill save you your spot-- he winks and lays down on  the ground as a breeze cools his body.

Desmond likes that Laz considers he had a "designated" spot on the bar.

But little did he know that neither would see eachother that night. Desmond would get a package from Mayer pharmaceuticals that would knock him out for a few good days, he doesnt answer his calls or messages.

He spends days battlinga living hell, shadow forms of his patients, and of course,himself.

--and Poor lazaro!--teased agent rainbow during their fight-- you were such a coward! If it wasnt because of me you wouldnt have accepted his dates!

--So it was you!--Yelled desmond.

--Please! Do you think you could pull someone like that? If it wasnt for me your ignorance wouldve caused his death, and his shadowforms! Your rejection rotted away at what little strength that Man had! I saved him so you owe me!

--Like hell i do!-- the therapist replies with anger-- ill kick your ass and show you I dont need you!

And that he does, he beats his shadowself, and then hes plunged into darkness once he says goodbye to tonia, his dead cat.

Desmond Woke up incredibly cold, his extremeties feeling like two icecubes. He looks around at the cementary hes in, his breath materializes infront of him.

--What the-- his breath hitches as he sees a tall skeletal figure walk past him, they seem to almost float with a thin mist trailing behind him like the train of a dress.

The figure stops at a grave, sat Nestled between the roots of a large willow tree. Upon further inspection the trunk of the tree seeme to be rotting away. They kneel and place a red spider lily on it, and then they stand up and float silently out of the cementery.

Curious,Desmond walks up to the graves and cleans the few bits of Ice that stuck to the stone. His eyes go wide as he reads "L. Castro, beloved son,brother and great artist".

The world around him is so deathly cool, the wind blows and theres a certain sweet smell of Decay . Its a night of deep winter, nothing grows, the epitome of death, but its not depressing but rather comforting. The moonlight peeks through the heavy dark clouds in intervals,drowning the world in an almost absolute darkness.

"No...no no no" he panics,his eyes dart to the exit and the trail of light grey blueish mist that was left behind by that thing, he runs after it as silently as he can. A part of him knows better than disturb the figure he saw as he follows them.

Then,he follows them around the town, its desolate, theres mist everywhere and only moonlight filters through the heavy black clouds. Hes freezing alive,he Holds on to himself as his breath shakes.

Why is this figure so familiar? Why does he recognize the movements? The styling of the clothes is so familiar but he cant place it.

The figure moves with Grace like a dancer or a bartender on a busy night. Hes hypnotized by the swaying of their hips with every step they take. His breath hitches again, his eyes go wide a little and he forces himself to look away.

"Get a hold of yourself,Wales" he thinks, and follows them to a bar. The neon sign shines a faint light blue, theres red lillies made of the same tubing that shines red, "Hades' Bar"

The bar looks more like a Fantasy tavern mixed with gothic architecture, it standa tall in its blak wooden exterior and black iron supports.

The figure stops at the blackstone steps up the door, it lets out a silent sigh as its breath is pure frost. That explains the utter cold and ice everywhere.

They unlock the door and step in,and as they do so the dark wood door blooms with red spider lillies. Desmond hears a familiar voice call out to the figure-- Ah,Buenas Noches Decay!

Desmond managed to peak behind a Windows with its red curtains partially drawn. His breath stops.

Agent Rainbow--

He sat there, on a bar stool as the figure, Decay, goes around the counter to the mirrored shelf. And then it dawns on him, this is a distorted version of Dionysus Bar in milton heaven. And if thats Agent Rainbow,his shadow, sitting on the same spot Desmond always sat when he went to that bar,then the figure is--

--Lazaro-- he exclaimed under his breath and for a moment,Decay looks towards the Window,he doesnt see any eyes looking under the sharp shadow of the hood. But Decay just shrugs and pulls away his hood that made him look like a grim reaper.

He wears a crown with red lillies, the spikes that made the crown looked more like moth antennae rather than spikes, and at the base of each one there are smaller skulls.

Lazaro's shadow exhales that ghastly frost of a breath, the skulls of the crown exhale it too.

--oh Decay-- Agent rainbow breathes,sounding Like he was a teen in love in an overexaggerated cheesy movie-- dont you look absolutely cold and dead today

The skeletal figure laughs, it sounds like a gasping, ragged breath. Bone chilling. His black eyesockets settle on the Rainbow-- Dearest.. what are you doing in the bar before I opened it?

--I wanted to surprise you,of course!--The other Man replied, taking the skeletal hand, some of the liquid in his hand seems to freeze in a tricolor Ice, before melting-- Beside, I wanted to spend time with you before this place is packed with the dead and they steal your stone cold gaze away from me~

Desmond cringes a how cheesy it is, but Decay is into it-- Ah I see, and that prompted you to sneak into my bar?

--Yes sir--rainbow tips his hat at him.

--Hm, fine-- his skeleton mouth presses against the other Man's lips. As he does so, a gaunt face grows on the skeleton, its made out of frost and Ice. Desmonds eyes go wide as he realizes its lazaro's face.

--One day i hope my lips remain stuck on your Icey face,so I can Keep kissing you-- His shadow flirted, kissing the knuckles of the other Man.

--One day perhaps--Decay agreed--for now how about you settle for sharing a drink with me before I Open for bussiness?

--That would be splendid, my ferryman

Decay pours a double whiskey on the rocks for Agent rainbow, while he makes himself a Necromancer Martini, the same drink Lazaro drank aside from beer. The two men sit on the same side of the bar, Agent has his hand on his companion's knees as both drink,desmond has no clue how because one had no mouth and the other was a skeleton.

--Will there be a day where your counterpart finally asks mine out?--Decay asked, looking beautiful like fresh snow and elegant like glinting diamonds. He sits with such a Poise and confidence that its almost ethereal, his cold mist of icy death glimmers like snow under moonlight.

-- 'm afraid not,or at least I dont think so. I tried giving him advice and pickup lines but hes stubborn

--You can charm anyone, why wouldnt he accept your help?--Rainbow gestures at himself-- right...

--His loss-- The other Man says-- though its a shame, I really wish he finally manned up

Decay smiles somehow, his naturally cold gaze softens-- Well, Lazaro is thinking of asking him out,maybe all he needs is a kickstart

--And a big one at that--rainbow quipped,taking a big long sip of his whiskey.

--You are incorregible, 'Gent-- the skeleton said, incredible fondness and warmth in his tone.

--You love me this way

--And I wouldnt have you any other way-- decay gives his lover one last kiss and finishes his Martini.

Desmond watches as Decay gets ready for the night, picking out glasses and liquor. But what really knocks the air out of him is his shadow form.

Agent rainbow, the thing that tried to kill him multiple times, everything he hated about himself, was docile,domestic. He polished the wooden tables, fixed up the Chairs and lit up the Giant fireplace that probably made the chilly interior of the bar feel cozy and comfortable. He also figured that Decay couldnt start a Fire given he was pure chill.

--Ill come back to help you close-- Agent announced as he fixed up his fedora.

--Very well,Im guessing youre going to see blaze?

He nodds-- I Will, I hope his other boyfriend didnt steal her away for long

Decay laughs, that bone chilling laughter of the dead-- lets hope not,send my sister my regards

--Will do,Handsome -- and with that, Agent leaves the bar without looking back

Desmond sits by the entrance to the pub, hid away and out of sight. He watches blurry silhouette of enteties of light and shadow enter in conversation that sounds like radio static.

But he watches through the Window as Decay moves with Grace across the bar, smaller skeletons serve the costumers as whimsy clasical music played from an upper floor, the ghosts and skeletons playing are wearing masks and shine with a faint blue light.

As the night progresses it gets colder and colder, hes practically about to go into hypothermia when one of the souls exciting drops their cloak. Hes quick to put it on and notices that it had pocket and that there was money, some sort of iron coins.

Pulling the cloak over his head, desmond entera the bar, nobody seems to notice him and he sits in the back, watching as Decay attends the bar.

--Just a beer-- He ordered to the skeleton waiter, and he watches it leave without a Word spoken.

Its absolutely captivating to watch Decay twirl around the bar,make conversation with the souls,he walks- he floats with overflowing confidence that desmond wishes he had. He thinks it looks just like Lazaro when he works at the bar.

His beer arrives and for the remaining of the night he just watches the bar and how it behaves, its nothing like hes seen before. No other "mind realm" was as lively as this one, as if it existed between the realm of the living and the dead.

Chiron the ferry of the dead, the similarities were right there, the bar was called Hades(the name of the King of the underworld), the dead souls flowing, the skeletons, the coins that look so much like the ones used to pay the ferryman.

And of course,there was Decay himself, a skeleton King that seemed to float like a boat in the water, his energy that made the air ripe witt necromancy. If this was Lazaro's shadow, then he wondered just how much power he himself held.

Desmond leaves as the bar empties out, hoping that "Chiron" as he got to call decay now, didnt notice a living person walk amongst the dead. Maybe the cloak masked him?.

But he returns to his previous snooping place, he hides when agent rainbow comes to help him close shop. By that time it had to be before sunrise.

--Love-- Called agent,his raspy,gravelly voice is uncharacteristically soft-- 'm all done here

Decay looked up from the glass he was polishing-- splendid. I think ill leave the servants to close up.

-- Perfect-- Agent puts on his fedora and offers his arm, Decay takes it and both walk out of the Pub. They walk away leaning on eachother, the skeleton was bigger than rainbow by a lot, just like lazaro was with desmond.

Both look so in love, it makes him jealous. Both laugh and chuckle and giggle at inner jokes, they flirt and sometimes dance together under the peeking moonlight, the skeletons mist glinting Like diamonds. It looks Straight out of a movie, he hates it.

Desmond keeps a healthy distance from the pair, his mind is filled with thoughts about how he wishes that his relationshipp with Lazaro was just like that, but he knew the truth about himself,he was shy,awkward, and heavy in denial.

He never liked men- except a few times in his childhood but-- he was confused right? Then why is he so jealous? Why is he yearning for something like the relationshipp those two had? Why does it bother him that their shadows, that which they repress, are happy together. How can Agent Rainbow be together with Decay already, why cant Desmond have some of that confidence himself?

Agent parts ways with Decay at the cementery, he kisses him and whispers something about finding him in his appartment (Desmond guessed rainbow had the same appartment that he had).

He follows the skeleton Man back to that grave, but this time he makes no effort to hide.

Decay freezes the rotting Bark, another spider lily rests on the tomb. He turns and simply smiles to the best he can with his skull for a head.

--Desmond...-- He sounds..happy to see him.

--Laz- Decay -- Des replied, fixing his glasses and feeling incredibly flustered like he did when lazaro was around.

--This is most curious, what are you doing here?-- he kneels to eye level and tilts his head just the way lazaro does, it makes the Man's heart squeeze with yearning.

--I - I wish I knew-- he replied with a nervous chuckle,looking away-- I uhm ..didnt know you existed

-- I do-- the skeleton agrees--Its good to see you,though. --his voice fills with the same warmth it has when he speaks to rainbow, desmonds breath hitches and hes taken back. Was he really using that tone with him?.

--Oh..I uhm. Yeah I havent been to the bar in a while

--Yeah, i- he- he misses you--Decay confessed, cupping the Mans cheek and making him look into his eye sockets.

His frost breath fogs up his glasses, and desmond feels like hes going to die from how fast his heart was beating. The skeletal hand is deathly cool...but soft.

--O-oh..-- its all the therapist replies,enamored by the feeling of what he guessed was the skeletons gaze. Its overwhelming,filled with love and...yearning. yearning for Desmond and nobody else. Was this Decay or Lazaro himself?.

--Come by sometime-- begged the shadow form, genuine hurt in his voice.

They go quiet,both of them, all they hear is the whistling wind and the rustling of dead trees. He looks at the rotting tree and he feels...

Decay looks too,and sighs. The Ice keeps the rot from spreading, a short term solution but not permanent.

Desmond looks into the rotting willow tree, he feels overwhelmed with burnt out, with exhaustion, with a deep desire of realese, of yearning for the pain to end.

--Nurse him back to health. Please-- Decay Begged once more-- this garden...my- our garden is rotting. -- his skeletal hand moves to his chin, his face frosting over into a human one ,gaunt but still drop dead gorgeus.

And desmond, for once,doesnt fight it. He leans in, hands reaching for his cloak. And then....

Hes awake, in bed, glasses thrown haphazardly on the nightstand. He turns,heart Racing and almost beating out of his chest, his body feels warm as hes flustered.

But his eyes catch the sigh of something red on the other side of the bed, long time since it has been last occupied by someone, a loved one or a partner.

There, on the pillow is a Red Spider lily. The pillow feels deathly cool to the touch, and looking at the flower he tries to steady his breath.

The realm of the dead would call to him, its master, chiron, the skeleton King, Decay, would demand his presence, and who was he to say no to the ferryman?

--Jesus! Youre awake!--Lucas yelled, jumping out of his Seat as desmond comes out of his room.

--Lazaro-- he gasps out-- where is he-?

--The bar, where else-- the ex soldier stops his friend-- youre in no condition--

--i need to see him, hes- hes hanging on by a thread, his tree--His garden is rotting, Lucas please..!

--Tree? Garden? What are you on about?

--I saw- I saw lazaros shadow form, its tied to a willow tree, its almost about to die. You need to let him know im here, please Lucas hes unstable

Lucas recalls the things jerico told him,how upset and sad Lazaro was, how he couldnt get out of his rooms most days. How its like his personality wilted away.

--Go sit. Ill give you water, bottled water, ill call him.

And like that, Desmond listens to Lucas explain everything to Jerico and Lazaro. Hes sure that if it wasnt for Jerico, Laz wouldve thought Lucas was crazy.

But they dont see eachother, oh no they dont, Desmond is too weak to even get out of bed, he can feel Agent stirr and writhe unconfortably during the day. In his dreams his shadow shows him the decayed tree, how its almost all dead with the trunk rotted away.

Weeks go by, Lazaro is not in the right state of mind to even go visit. Jerico is mad at desmond even if she understand his situation.

And when he finally feels better, against his better judgement, he ends up at Dyonisus Bar. Lazaro squeaks when he sees him but he doesnt say a Word.

Neither do, but laz is kind enough to set a double whiskey infront of him. Desmond is wallowing in his loss, his dead cat,his wife leaving him,on that tree thats rotting away because of him..

--You were gone for so Long-- Lazaro croaked, eyes Burning with repressed tears-- do you have any idea how worried I was? How Many sleepless nights I had?

Desmond grips the glass, hes angry at himself and he lashes out, he should know better and he does, but he hates himself that much-- Why do you even care for me anyway?! -- his voice is just under a scream,and thank god its a very slow night.

The other Man sets down the glass he was polishing with force, his head snaps so fast towards him its like hes going to break his neck. He stomps towards the therapist, he grabs him by the neck of his dress shirts and yells-- BECAUSE I LOVE YOU,YOU SAD FUCKING ASSHOLE,because since I met you ive been able to think less of the hate I have for my parents,I dont feel abandoned when youre around! Because my anger melts away and all my grief of mourning a family I never had goes away! Because you make me feel alive! I dont have to walk on eggshels, im safe with you and i can be myself! I love you!--He kisses him with force.

Desmonds eyes go wide and with shaky hands he clings on to Lazaro's clothes. When the younger Man pulls away,hesistant because he didnt kiss back, Des pulls him for another,its passionate and needy but neither care.

--im sorry im sorry,im so sorry--Desmond apologized,his forehead against his companions-- I was scared,scared that you didnt actually love me, that I would drive you away! Im sorry,I love you too,im sorry.

In the realm of the unconcious,Agent is shaking as he clings to an extremely weak Decay who is no longer cold,just lukewarm. Hes terrified, hes terrified hes going to lose him too, he cant, he cant lose him.

--I love you,I love you-- agent whispers against his skull, over and over again. Decay's body is absolutely weak, its taking all his strength to not become dust, even his clothes seemed dead.

The willow tree's trunk is barely holding on with a piece of wood that looks like a spine, its slowly rotting away...and then...

The trunk grows back with not one hole to be seen, no rot or anything. He hears Decay gasp for air and the sudden return of that extreme cold body temperature makes him yelp.

--Honey!-- Agent rainbow yells,pulling Back.

--Desmond confessed!-- decay pulls back,with a smile-- the tree- lazaro got everything out!--He looks at the tree, healthy like the first day

--Fucking finally--exhaled desmonds shadow, pressing his forehead against his lovers-- I love you

--I love you too-- Decay whispered.

--I love you-- desmond murmured.

--I love you too-- Lazaro replied, gripping the mans clothes.

Finally together.

[caluski]

Depression stuff under the readmore nothing interesting as usual

I miss the time when I wouldn't feel suicidal every single day, it truly sounds so heavenly when I look back at it, I can't even remember whether I was medicated back then or no, I think it might have been the anti-anxiety meds which weren't even that strong antidepressants and yet they still worked at least for soothing my suicidal thoughts, other than my anxiety and a bit of ocd of course.... My doctor once said, don't apologize for when your medication doesn't work!, and yet I still felt guilty and left and it feels like an eternity has passed since. My brain doesn't work the way it used to, I know that... I hate that I have damaged my life irreversibly. And if I fail to kill myself again i know i will look back at the past and shake my head regretfully and think, why did I do this to myself. I feel guilty for being the one who's ruining my own life, but also I can tell that I am not meant to live a long life.. So what's the point? And even if I will live long, I know I will live an empty life devoid of meaning and love, I can tell, I really really mean it, it's weird to describe but I am absolutely sure that this is what I'm facing... And I know people won't believe me if I say it, but it's really true: the unfortunate truth is that even if I do get out to grasp onto others desperately, best option is, I will go back to being that shadow of a person in others lives, I will never be anyone's "most important", i will go back to being the one that's accepted more or less but somehow is on a very thin ice...

Are others being fought for? Is it an actual experience people do have? Is it okay to want to be loved by someone enough that they will try to get to you? I feel like at this point, every single thing that I want is the most impossible thing in the world. Everything feels so beyond my reach that I might as well die now, without experiencing anything.. It feels so hopeless, it drives me insane every day, every waking hour, I look at my 2 year old nephew and the only thought I have is "you won't remember me-- I will die before you get older. I will die and you won't have photos of me to look back on".

I keep having the urges to delete this blog. It doesn't mean much, it's just a blog, in the end I don't keep any significant archives in here... Every time I log out, my finger keeps hovering over "delete blog" button for a little while. It's meaningless and I know it - if I delete it, I will be forgotten soon enough, perhaps many people won't even notice I'm gone anyway - and im sorry I'm talking about it, because I really don't want to sound like I'm begging for more attention, or something.... "give me more followers and reblogs, so I don't delete", or whatever... Just the feeling of meaninglessness overwhelming me. What am I doing here, really - I'm not an artist, I'm not a funny blogger, I'm someone people look at and think, my god, he's so old and yet so childishly miserable. Sorry about that. I know its nothing but tiring to watch me getting worse and worse; I shouldn't be crying about it so publicly in the first place... I wish I could die instead, silent and dignified, unaware of whether anyone shows up to my funeral or no. Why do I keep worrying about it? Every single time I cut myself, I wonder, how humiliating will it be when my family realizes there is no one to come to say their farewells to me? Won't it feel the worst in the world? But I wouldn't be around for that anymore. So why do I think about it?

I don't know what else can I say. Goodnight

[alienpupy]

About your top surgery:

Firstly, though, hoi! I'd like to say that I am happy for you, but I don't really feel happiness. Just nothing. But I am proud of you that you got the top surgery and seem very happy about it.

And going through your posts about it, I realize that I want top surgery, too. But I'm also genuinely afraid of the post-surgery time. And this makes me wonder, were you nervous or anxious before the surgery? (Also, apologies for the rambles and for not feeling the happiness for you)

no worries im happy to talk abt it :] i was anxious in the weeks and days coming up to the surgery, yea, but it was more anxiety abt stuff around the surgery than the procedure itself (like, ik several people who got top surgery at the same clinic and everything n they're super reputable so i wasnt worried about the medical aspect, just the preparations + i had to move appartments 10 days before the surgery + had to pack up AGAIN bc im actually staying with my parents for a month or two bc you absolutely need ppl to assist you with stuff during early recovery)

the closest thing to anxiety abt the actual surgery i had was one time a few weeks before it i was like "wait. what if i don't actually want this what if this is a mistake" and then to test it i put a bra and tshirt on and realized yeah no absolutely not thats just pointless self-doubt and i still hate these

it was rlly surreal tho if im being honest? idk if its even fully hit me that this was real and actually happened. I've wanted top surgery since i was like 13 but obv for most of that it felt like it was really distant in the future, and yet now that im flat it just feels. normal? like im still super early recovery so i havent actually seen my chest w/o the bandages yet but still just looking in the mirror with the bandages flat on my chest it just looks natural to me. its been less than a week and im already forgetting what it was like to have tits lmao (altho to be fair i've been binding for years so its not like they were ever a huge part of my life, just a major inconvenience)

and post-surgery really isnt that bad. i've complained about the weird nerve stuff, yea, but that does clear up eventually (altho ik it usually take years for the nerves to fully 100% heal, they're the slowest thing to regenerate). I've had basically zero pain, but i was still prescribed pain meds to take if i need them and given a lot of advice for healing as best as possible. the most important thing is definitely to have someone (or multiple people) be able to take time off to help you with everything (like, from food to drains to making sure you're comfortable and checking on you, you're not supposed to move your arms a lot or lift anything heavy for the first 6-ish weeks).

Post-op depression can be a thing for a lot of people too, but it hasnt hit me (at least not yet) and it can be avoided/mitigated by making sure you're not alone. having friends over, or calling people, making sure you still have games or movies or art to keep u occupied helps a ton.

also i dont think i've said it here before but i got top surgery at GRC montreal, and gender-affirming surgeries are covered by the government here in canada. I sent my paperwork/referral stuff there in may of last year, and it took them a couple months for each stage of processing but they gave me my surgery date (june 7th) a couple of months before, so (not counting the time to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis + letters from doctors and therapists and junk) i only had to wait about a year.

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

When I was a kid teachers always yelled at me and told my parents I needed 'special' attention and I needed to be diagnosed with some sort of mental disorder when I was like 4, turns out the teachers were just terrible because after SEVERAL visits to the doctor the reason I was do 'hyper' was because I was a LITERAL child

Now that im a lot older I do know that I am a lot slower then most kids, in terms of learning, I tend to switch hobbies very fast because when I try to learn it gets very difficult so I give up and move onto something else, besides art at least. Iv been to the doctor obviously a lot more and from what they said I am not diagnosed with ADHD, ADD, Autism or anything on the spectrum, I mean it doesnt help that i have depression, anxiety, and an ED so I wouldnt be surprised if it got overlooked lol

Teachers, at least in my experience, to nitpick people like me who are just slower then others but I did have a few teachers who actually cared and helped when I was struggling so it restored a bit of hope in me lol

I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I also went through similar situations when I was younger and it wasn’t until High School/college that I actually learned to love learning.

I’m really not a fan of the school system in the United States at all. It’s very much geared towards results on tests rather than actual comprehension. They test kids 4 times a year here and if one test is low, suddenly you are miles behind, so imagine if you have special needs or even if you just don’t comprehend the material.

I’m happy to say that I requested a meeting for my kiddo and we sorted a lot of stuff out! They were taking recess away as a punishment and were wondering why the kid was upset 🙄

There are a lot of good teachers and I completely understand that teachers aren’t paid NEARLY enough here which isn’t right. And the thing is I know my kids isn’t alone either because school is hard!

Not me over here struggling with 2nd grade math 😂

[borderlineangeldisorder]

So catching up with my mental health has also encouraged me to catch up on my physical health. Which in return continues to boost said mental health.

I have borderline personality disorder along with other acronyms such as Adhd Cptsd Ocd Anarexia along with fibromyalgia and the subdivisions of disorders that accompany them ; anxiety depression chronic pain fatigue and a whole other list.

This past year ive gone through more traumatic events due to loving someone who didnt deserve the olive branches they kept burning. But i have learned and i will always be coping with them all.

The happy part is me making the effort to change and Not want to rot away in my room anymore just indulging myself in the pain and misery. Because it loved company and ive been a partner since i turned double digits.

Lack of education from my family even friends our shared ignorance did fuel some of the fires i lit. Like i said ignorance to everything with sex drugs love even what healthy relationships look like due to a history of ignorance and misinformation from my family line; generational curses theyre also known as. Which is for my case so true and it hurts looking back at all i wasnt told about. Especially the warning signs "red flags" to know about. I did not know.

Me being the lover girl i am i did learn the hard way. I became aware of what abuse actually is do to an off chance flier i found at a doctors office. Something in my heart and soul cried out to sneak it home and bury it where my abuser (at the time i wasnt aware that was even the word for them) couldnt find it.

I still remember the way i felt Hope tear up in my eye when i read through the simple 3 page flier. That it confirmed i wasnt crazy like my abuser claimed. That they were hurting me and causing my own mind to be damaged. I learned abuse isnt just being hit ; i learned it was also financially and sexually possible thanks to the words on those pages

There was a checklist going into detail about all those different forms of abuse and when i gained the courage to check off the box it opened my eyes to the truth; that the man who claimed to love me would kill me. Immediately i pushed that realization away repressed it with all the abuse i knew for the past 4 years. It took me another year to finally kick him out and that only worked because i lived with my own parents.

Even still it took me another 4 months and him abducting me holding me against my will to go to the police; nd thats because my parents forced me. I was humiliated and ashamed of loving such a man Of him attacking me abusing me using me and forcing me to do things im still ashamed to admit even here. Ive been in and out of therapy on and off medication for yearssssss and just this past 6 months after processing another traumatic relationship did i wake up one day and pray for strength feeling ashamed the entire time.

I decided to start and write again Even if it was a simple This is what ive done today. Even if it was a single sentence. I wanted to do it for me to get my pent up emotions out before me. I dont reread what i write and i stopped trying to be aesthetic or neat i simple put the pen to paper and let flow whatever comes. It has helped lift the weight of my trauma and loosen the grip ugly thoughts have taken hold of me.

Every day i have to make the choice to not rot and to do something anything. I used to feel this pressure (still do but not to suffocating) that i just had to have everything "together" before i could even enjoy anything at all. Ive learned even doing one thing will encourage my mentality to find one more thing to accomplish.

So far after the past few months (yes months its the most important to force myself still most days but it does get easier and more habitual) of truly trying and putting myself out there Out of my bed ive accomplished

A healthier relationship with food and eating habits

Self care such as simply trimming and filing my nails It encourages me not to rip them apart with my teeth

Showering and bathing more regularly (bubble baths are fun!)

Brushing my hair each morning which is turning into each evening before bed

Brushing my teeth in the morning and before bed which honestly was hard for me to implement because i just want to go to bed

Facial hygiene such as actually removing my makeup before bed and then continuing on to wash my face; this has evolved into applying moisturizer to my face after washing; which has helped encourage me to do am skin care as more moisturizer and sometimes a syrum (i only use one for my pores its a niacinamide syrum and does help me even if its placebo i enjoy it so i dont care) And sunscreen but i do it on sunny days or high iv days (a bit ocd as i have a fear of my face drying and falling off Like trench foot but for dry skin: which i also struggle with) Its become a way to self sooth and helps keep the thoughts at bay that i wont die from the sun)

Speaking of sun i started just simply sitting out in the morning and getting the natural vitamin D only the sun can provide My aim isnt to tan but to help those levels as it does affect my mental health like countless others suffering from SAD. It feels good and i like to cloud watch

Trying to limit my screen time Honestly of course this is Not easy I dont have many friends aside from my sisters who i dont really get to see ; ive deleted netflix hulu I do scroll tiktok but give myself a limit of an hour before bed or its 2am before i can stop myself

Reading reading reading I have the same books for years and still i enjoy the stories It also stimulates my mind my imagination and keeps me off my phone

Listening to music without headphones It helps me stay in the moment and encourages me to clean instead of sitting down and getting sucked into my maldaptive daydreaming Which i did use for years as an escape from my own issues and ignore the reality of what needed to be done Its much more fun to dance around and sing along as i clean or blog here

It seems like a lot and maybe it is But making the decision to change and then actually taking the first move to change myself caused this domino affect of self love self care and continuing on to another change in my life.

Every day theres still the choice i have to make on whether i do something or dont. Some days are harder than others and its extremely important to trust yourself your body and learn the signs on if todays the day to dance around doing the housekeeping or pick up a book and enjoy the sun. Its better to keep it slow and trust yourself instead of accidentally burning yourself out which is discouraging. Im still learning and still lack in other areas I am mentally and Physically chronically ill. I have issues im still working out and it isnt easy

But it is possible and its true when the void says Its up to You. Only You can makr the decision between getting up or staying down. Noone is the same and every one has their own desires dreams goal which is what makes this world beautiful and different and fun between the messes and chaos.

You Can do it even if it feels like you cant

[crimsun-n-clover]

why are medical professionals all professional cunts

went to the cardiologist today for my probable POTS and was so close to just MAULING these bastards

first nurse was alright. respected my autism (bare fucking minimum) and warned me before doing things. immediately made a bad impression though because she walks in and goes “i’m gonna have to ask you to take your headphones off and be in the moment with me” and i said “too autistic for that” and she was cool with it. as if that fucking matters? even people who are just prone to anxiety shouldn’t be questioned for their sensory aids. it’s not about disrespect, but now it sure fuckin is. i don’t need to “be in the moment” with you. i’m listening. neither of us want to be here so don’t pull that shit and make it worse.

she leaves and in comes a new enemy

she’s this scrawny, balding west asian woman. she keeps doubting me and asking me to describe basic symptoms in ridiculous ways as if they don’t happen constantly daily. she kept insisting that i took lexapro as a beta blocker when i took it for depression. we had holter monitor test results and she says “whatever that is” girl. you are a nurse practitioner working under a cardiologist. i’m gonna fucking kill you. i’d react like a normal person to her incessant bullshit and she’s raise her voice and cut me off and talk down to me like i’m fucking crazy. i tell her that my therapist and psychiatrist think it’s POTS and my primary care doctor is a piece of shit who thinks i’m faking everything so he doesn’t count. and she goes “well they’re not doctors are they” in the bitchiest tone. NO? THATS WHY IM HERE. quit doubting me you rabid cunt.

if i weren’t me and heard someone describing my symptoms i’d be like “holy shit you’re dying” but nooo

third one comes in and he’s the actual cardiologist. the second bitch stands behind him guarding the door. it looked like a little kid calling for backup. anyway. this guy sucked significantly less but felt the need to describe that anxiety is normal and that ohhh it could be your thyroid or anemia

next person who says “thyroid” dies by my blade

i have blood labs that say all that shit is fine and i’ve been dealing with this for FIVE YEARS and now it’s getting bad enough that i’m collapsing. this isn’t my fucking thyroid. you’d think after FIVE YEARS of treatment and solutions and therapies and even a FUCKING WITCH DOCTOR someone would’ve figured out something was up with my thyroid. and they did and it’s FIXED NOW.

anyway. i now have a heart monitor strapped to my chest for the next month and i’m seeing the cunts again in six weeks. it’s not waterproof, just water resistant. i have to carry around a bigass android phone that’s connected to it to report when i feel symptoms. i can’t turn the brightness down.

because of the heart monitor i’m gonna have to stop doing at least half of my heathen shit.

they’re getting live reports and flags of cardiac activity so. i’d assume no sex, no caffeine (or at least not the 300 milligram miracle cure i usually take), nothing thrilling, whatever. just kill me at this point. that’s all i care about. who am i if i’m not high, getting off, or stealing shit??

just strap me to that fuckin tilt table and get the torture out of the way so i can rip this fuckin thing off of me ffs